Nothing to see here, just me living my best life in Dubai with a glass of champagne in my hand and a smile on my face. Ten months ago I worried that I might never again see this version of myself, but there she is wearing heels no less, a whopping 4000 miles away from her baby. Did I miss Jolie? Ridiculously so. Did I feel guilty for leaving her? Not. At. All. Here’s why I don’t subscribe to Mum guilt and why you shouldn’t either.
For many of us, the mum guilt starts from the moment we get pregnant. From having the odd glass of fizz *tut tut* to eating that rogue piece of sushi, to how we choose to feed our baby and when we decide to go back to work. It hides at the bottom of shellac bottles in the nail salon (or whenever you do anything just for you) and pops up out of your formula tub like a jack in the box. It stares at you from the screen of your laptop when you work and judges silently from your Instagram feed when you relax. There’s the endless pressure from the NHS to breastfeed, the need to live up to the polished mums on Instagram and old school parenting styles to be compared to.
I’ll be honest. It took me a while to get off the mum guilt train, I used to find my self justifying my actions when I felt judged. Before you could say the word breastfeed, I’d stop you in your tracks with a well rehersed spiel about tongue ties and expressing efforts.
Before I had Jolie, I would laugh in the face of mum guilt and proudly say I wouldn’t be shamed for bottle feeding if breastfeeding didn’t work out. Fast forward to day one of parenthood, trying to console a hungry tongue tied baby with a boob that had very little milk in it and I was drowing in guilt. I spent 3 full days trying in vain to feed my baby to no avail while nurses and midwives came in on the hour every hour to physically manouver my cracked and sore nipple into a tiny mouth that couldn’t latch on. I cried, my baby cried and my husband cried.
My first experience of motherhood came in the form of five days in a cramped ward filled to the brim with mums, babies and a whole load of mum guilt. I watched as mum after mum mastered breastfeeding while I had no success. Then came the days of expressing the tiniest specs of colostrum into an even tiner syringe to pump tiny drops of food into my baby’s mouth by hand. You haven’t left your dignity at the door until you are squeezing little drops of food out of your boob by hand and have a nurse manually squeezing the other one. Then came the industrial size breast pump. We tried everything. The guilt and shame I felt when we finally surrendered to the little bottle of formula was quite frankly crushing.
On day 5 another mum came into the ward and when the nurse asked if she needed help with breastfeeding she quickly announced she had brought formula and they would be using that. No stammering explanation. No bullshit. Just a bottle of formula and zero fucks. I wanted to applaud this woman for daring to speak the dreaded F word with pride. From the minute we succumbed and gave Jolie a bottle she was content and we immediately felt at ease. I wish I hadn’t forced the breastfeeding attempt as I think our first days would have been a lot less tumultuous. It turns out if you feed a hungry baby, they stop crying. Fed IS best. Who knew?
Me trying to excel in parenting, maintain a social life, cling on to my mental health, text everyone back, stay sane, survive and be happy.
Alone Time
One of the most common times mum guilt arises is when we take time for ourselves. Taking an hour out here or there for a nail appointment, a massage, a girly dinner or just to lie in the bath scrolling insta. Let me tell you. There is no shame in saving your sanity ladies and self care should be just as high on your agenda as putting a smile on that little one’s face. I used to love girlie trips before I had a baby so why would I put them in the past simply because I have birthed a small human? You can’t pour from an empty cup and practising self care for even 10 minutes a day will help you recharge ready for the eat, feed, sleep cycle. Light that candle, put on that face mask, pour that glass of wine.
How You Fill Your Day
Yes, some mums will spend their evenings making their own sensory toys with only their bare hands and a YouTube tutorial and some mums will spend hours batch cooking their own baby risotto and yes some even do messy play at home. If that’s you. THAT’S OK. If that’s a strong no from you. THAT’S OK TOO. Have I made Jolie her own sensory den? Yes, I have, have I also put her in front of the TV watching Peppa Pig with only a pack of wipes to play with? -Yes I have.
Leaving Your Baby
Another taboo. There are various levels of mum guilt. Leaving your baby to do something boring like a dog walk or a food shop. Level 1. Leaving your baby to go to a boring work-related event with boring work people. Level 2. Leaving your baby to go to a fun work event with alcohol. Level 3. Leaving your baby for vanity reasons (nails/hair/brows/) Level 4. Leaving your baby for a boozy dinner date. Level 5. Leaving your baby for a night out on the tiles. Level 6. Leaving your baby for a weekend away but staying local. Level 7. Leaving your baby to get on a plane for no other reason than fun. LEVEL 200.
Yep, going abroad without your baby comes with maximum mum guilt attached. You get a side of it with your airport drinks, plane meal, your hotel keys. Before I left, I was racked with anxiety but the truth is her world won’t fall apart without me for 3 days and she is with the people who loves her the most in the world. So I jumped on the plane and enjoyed the novelty that was sleeping in, drinking without about the impending hangover and the rarity of not having a bum to wipe, a bottle to make or a bag to pack. I stayed up late, I had a fancy dinner or two and spent time with my friends without having half my mind focussed on nap and feed times. I arrived back refreshed and reset and ready to parent.
Mum guilt is OPTIONAL. Just like those annoying emails you don’t remember signing up for, you can unsubscribe from mum guilt whenever you please. Block. Block. Block. How do you deal with mum guilt?
