One of my biggest blessings is that I wasn’t just given a mother to support me through life, but a best friend that I could not only learn from and lean on, but laugh with. Growing up just the two of us meant that our bond was extra special and I watched her back then with total innocence and little awareness as she took on the full weight of that parenting responsibility effortlessly and with grace. Now, as an adult and a mum myself with access to youtube, an online community of mums and a whole host of mum blogs who still struggles to do it all, I finally recognise the strength that it took her to go it alone.
and then there were three…
One thing I never gave much thought to before having Jolie was how much the dynamic changes with your own mother when you birth a little person. Your mum is now a Grandma, you are now a Mum and there’s a small person dependant on you for EVERYTHING. A huge part of becoming a Mum is realising that you are no longer the dependant. My Mum has always been my pillar of support and beacon in a storm and I’m proud to take on that role for my own daughter but I don’t think that level of responsibility hit me until the other night when Jolie woke up at 1am gasping for breath. It was that terrifying moment when you instantly look around for an adult then realize that adult is you and you have to make some important on the spot decisions. Luckily for me there was a much more adulty adult (my Mum) downstairs on hand to help.
There isn’t much my Mum doesn’t know about me. She knows my favourite authors and just how I like my tea. She knows the things that scare me and my insecurities. But what she maybe doesn’t know, is just how much my appreciation of her has skyrocketed since becoming a Mum myself. Just 12 months into my motherhood journey and I’ve never been more grateful to have her to help me navigate it. The chances are whatever I’m facing, my mum has seen it all before. My own experience has made me realise how lucky I was to grow up surrounded by her love and I’ll always remember how she put me first yet gave me the freedom to be myself. That balance takes work (I now realise) but my mum made it look simple. She just always seemed to get it right. Which begs the question. How did you make it look so easy? How did you look so glam doing it? How did you do this alone and most importantly HOW DID YOU DO THIS WITHOUT GOOGLE?
My motherhood journey has been eye-opening in many ways, but I think the biggest realisation is that I now see my own mother in a different light too. When I had Jolie, my main priority was has she eaten, has she slept but in the back of my mind there was a voice murmuring have I eaten? Have I slept? Who’s going to look after me? My Mum showed up. Thank you for being the best grandma to my baby girl, but thank you for being there for me in those first months. Always on hand with a hot meal, always a phone call away when it all got too much and always willing to step in when I need you. A lot of things have also become clearer. Like why she put me to bed at 5.30pm (being a single mum is hard and tiring) why she could be found pouring herself a well earned G & T at 5.31pm (little rewards keep you sane), and why I was never allowed fizzy drinks at home but only dilute juice (food shopping is expensive). The truth is having a grandparent that lives 15 minutes down the road is an absolute godsend and I know some new mums aren’t so lucky.
Here’s how to show up for grandparents that regularly show up for you.
Include Them: While it’s great to have a grandparent on call to watch the baby while you dash to a nail appointment or enjoy a rare date night, grandparents are more than glorified sitters so it’s important to show that you want them rather than just need them. Invite them to lunch, invite them shopping and don’t forget to add in some one-on-one mother-daughter time as with a new baby on the scene, those opportunities are rare.
Check-In: Whatever is going on in my day, I usually always find the time to send a quick text to my Mum with a picture of Jolie. This shows they are in your thoughts even though you’re up to your neck in baby laundry. A voice note of baby giggles, a boomerang of some wobbly baby steps or a cute and cuddly morning snap is a simple way to keep the contact flowing.
Be Present: This is a tough one as a new mum as your mind will be whirling with an endless to-do list and any time off you get while the baby naps could be used mindless scrolling on Instagram but those little snapshots of time are actually most precious of all. After having a baby, one on one time with your own mum can be a rarety and sometimes showing up for them can be as small as simply being present during your conversations. Put your phone down and take the opportunity to really connect. Listen and make note of something they have planned and make a mental note to ask about it later. When you ask how it went, actually listen to the answer.
Show Thanks: Showing up for the grandparents that have shown up for you can take the form of small tokens and big gestures whether it’s stocking the cupboards with their favourite tea so they can relax with a cuppa after they’ve put the baby to bed or going the whole hog and considering stair lifts for the home to make the layout more accommodating for them should they stay on a regular basis to lend a helping hand.
What are your thoughts on the mother-daughter dynamic? A huge shout out to my own mum for still hopping in the car to remove a spider when I need her to even though at the age of 30+ I really should be able to handle this on my own. I hope to successfully learn how to adult in 2020 but until then there’s always a G & T with your name on it here.
This post was in collaboration with Companion Stairlifts but the opinions expressed are 100% my own.
