Hello hello, so instead of using my precious baby free hours to sleep, catch up on Vanderpump Rules or slip into a hot bath, I’m whipping up a little blog post about the things I’ve learned about Motherhood that caught me off guard. Jolie is 20 weeks old today and we’ve just recovered from a little sickness bug that’s managed to take down not only me, but my bestie and my mum! So, to celebrate feeling slightly human again, let me enlighten you on some of the biggest WTF moments that motherhood has handed me so far. Sidenote: I started out with 10 things but ended up with 13 which is funny because it’s my bestie’s birthday today on the 13th and her favourite number is 13! Anyhoo I digress.
That sometimes the dog is harder than the baby
When you are all prepared for the newborn to be the challenge but you fail to predict your dog acting out because he isn’t the sole proprietor of your time/love/affection. These little acts of defiance come in the form of licking every single baby item that touches a surface within reach. A dummy, a bottle, a toy. Sometimes if he isn’t feeling as subtle, he will dig for treasure in the nappy bin or a personal highlight, throw up an actual poo in the nursery. It’s a no from me Ted.
That I’d Be So Invested in Pelvic Floor Exercises
CARE MORE. CARE MORE. ABOUT YOUR PELVIC FLOOR
Just a little chant I made up to remind myself that, as well as various other body parts, keeping my wee in is now something that I have to care about. Even though I had a c-section, carrying around an 8 pound baby plays havoc with your pelvic floor and as a result, you have to do little exercises to help keep it strong. No one ever told me that I’d become obsessed with doing kegels, I’ve downloaded an app and set an alarm to help me do these every day. Oh the glamorous life of a new mum.
That my beauty regime would go from Hero to Zero
A loooooong soak in the tub, a face mask, double cleanse, exfoliate, tone, serum, eye cream, lip balm, a moisturiser and an overnight hair treatment. That was my life before I had a baby. Today we’re lucky if I can slap a face wipe over my skin before collapsing in a coma. Last night I sank into bed wearing an eclectic mix of my gym pants, no top and one sock and accidentally took my makeup off with an anti-bac wipe (thanks tummy bug).
That my Google History would cover everything from nannies to neon coloured poo
Will I ever be able to sleep on my side? How much is a night nurse? Who can I pay to sleep in my spare room and watch my child sleep at night? Will it get better? Is it normal to hate your husband for going to the gym/leaving the house? WTF do I dress my baby in during spring? Should my stomach look like a shelf? Matching mum and baby swimsuits. What to do with your baby when you need a wee? (a personal fave)
New Mums have a Super Speed Mode
Since having Jolie I can now shower in 15 seconds, apply makeup in the same time as it takes to make a bottle with the perfect prep machine (90 seconds in case you were wondering) and I can eat dinner in 6 minutes. Every day becomes a game of how many seconds can i shave off my time. Today I hit a PB on take taken to have a wee!
That I’d Treasure Every Second of Me Time
I’ve always been a bath person. After having Jolie one of the ways I would treat myself was getting in the bath and having ten minutes to myself. Sure, a full un-interrupted nights sleep might not be on the cards but a ten minute soak was always a given. So I commited to that ten minute soak. I bought fancy candles, posh bath towels, played my favourite song, downloaded a book to read and drank pink gin. I turned that 10-minute soak into therapy, a night out and a mini holiday all rolled into one. COMMIT TO THAT SHIT.
That I’d become the temperature police
From bath temperatures to room temperatures to Jolie’s actual temple, I think I check the temperature of things no less than 65788 times per day. Instead of a designer bag, I now leave the house clutching my precious baby thermometer so I can relax and eat my pizza without whipping off layers and putting them back on, flipping flopping the blanket screeching but do you think she’s too cold? Was that a shiver? Is she sweating?????????
That I’ll Become an Expert on Poo Shades
I’ve gone from being someone who didn’t talk about poo EVER to someone who is now fluent in baby poo and will happily tell the postman about the exact shade of poo my daughter presented me with that morning not to mention size, texture and of course colour.
That I would become an emotional See Saw on the daily
As a mum i now have two settings, I have got this shit down and losing my shit. There is no in-between. One minute I’m casually retrieving my overpriced muslin from my overpriced nappy bag in a breezy fashion and then next minute I’m like IS THAT A FRECKLE OR A RASH. WELL WHICH IS IT????!!!
The Lack of Privacy
After birth you pretty much leave your dignity at the door but what I wasn’t prepared for was the level of privacy I would be subjected to as a new mum. I expected my friends to grill me on the birth but did I expect it from the lady that scans my asos parcels at the post office? No. I did not. You haven’t felt embarrassment until you have been asked about your failed forcep c-section delivery in front of a queue of middle aged men.
That Mum Guilt is real
I’m a good mum but not a day goes by without questioning if I’m good enough. Have her sang to her enough? Made her smile enough? Given enough cuddles? Then there’s the endless list of shouldn’t haves. Maybe I shouldn’t be scrolling through Instagram, leaving her to get my nails done, going back to work so soon or putting her in a nursery so young. Let’s not forget the should haves. I should have breastfed longer, laughed more, loved harder.
That I’d Love Other Mums
I was never planning to be one of those mums who did things like baby sensory or baby yoga but here I am swanning into baby pilates and baby massage with the enthusiasm that I usually save for a Monica Vinader sample sale. What I didn’t realise is that even if you don’t go out of your way to make new mum friends, you are automatically popped into a little club without realising and this will be the best thing that you could have imagined. Other mums who you’ve never met will come up to you to tell you that you are doing a great job, wind your baby for you and even help you figure out how to work that pram you should probably have worked out how to use before leaving the house.
Your heart will break multiple times per day
You look at their innocent little faces and ponder the many things that could break their hearts as they grow and you vow to do anything in your power to protect them from it. When you think that your little one has yet to mutter a word that they wish they could take back or cry their first tear because of someone else, you will spend countless hours praying that the innocence they have could last a lifetime.
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